There is a lot of life that has happened between last post and now. 

Most notably is that I am no longer dating Boyfriend.

I broke up with him 3 days after we said goodbye at school and left for home. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made!

Then I went to Italy for a month-long study abroad program where I met many wonderful people who made me feel whole again. One of these people is my PiO (Partner if Only). He lives across the world, in an entirely different country, and has opened my eyes to so many things that I would never before have dared to experience.

He is the only person who has ever seen me drunk. Yes, drunk. I know that my previous posts were all about how I hate drinking...and I still don't love it...but Pio helped me feel comfortable and safe around alcohol; didn't judge me when I decided not to drink, and neither did he judge me when I decided to indulge. I have never felt safer around anyone. He makes me feel accepted and at ease.

He also loves my body and getting sexy with me. I have never once had to ask for oral. In fact, he does it so much and so willingly that sometimes I have to ask him to stop! (Which, I promise, is a nice change).

We still haven't had sex though...and I'm not sure if we will. I have never had sex before and it has always been my intention to wait until marriage, for a variety of reasons. One, I want that commitment, love and stability in a relationship before I give up my virginity. Two, I think I would feel extremely guilty if my relationship with Pio doesn't work out and I have to tell my future partner that they aren't my first...and third because it is against my religion.

I realize that I have had oral, which is probably against my religion too -- though I haven't checked -- and I used to feel guilty about having done that as well, but don't anymore. The trouble is, he wants to have sex with me (he isn't a virgin) and has asked me on multiple occasions. I, too, want to have sex with him, but I feel like I shouldn't and that the guilt is going to kill me if I do. Every time we hook up, I really, really want to...but then the next morning I'm always glad I didn't. I don't know what to do!

How big of a deal is it? Will my future spouse care if I do? Pio argues that I'll never find a virgin guy, so why should I wait? He has a point...but I can't help but wonder if there are guys in my religion who haven't. Probably. Pio isn't a believer which could create some issues in the long run.

Sex? No sex.

We'll see.