There is a lot of life that has happened between last post and now. 

Most notably is that I am no longer dating Boyfriend.

I broke up with him 3 days after we said goodbye at school and left for home. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made!

Then I went to Italy for a month-long study abroad program where I met many wonderful people who made me feel whole again. One of these people is my PiO (Partner if Only). He lives across the world, in an entirely different country, and has opened my eyes to so many things that I would never before have dared to experience.

He is the only person who has ever seen me drunk. Yes, drunk. I know that my previous posts were all about how I hate drinking...and I still don't love it...but Pio helped me feel comfortable and safe around alcohol; didn't judge me when I decided not to drink, and neither did he judge me when I decided to indulge. I have never felt safer around anyone. He makes me feel accepted and at ease.

He also loves my body and getting sexy with me. I have never once had to ask for oral. In fact, he does it so much and so willingly that sometimes I have to ask him to stop! (Which, I promise, is a nice change).

We still haven't had sex though...and I'm not sure if we will. I have never had sex before and it has always been my intention to wait until marriage, for a variety of reasons. One, I want that commitment, love and stability in a relationship before I give up my virginity. Two, I think I would feel extremely guilty if my relationship with Pio doesn't work out and I have to tell my future partner that they aren't my first...and third because it is against my religion.

I realize that I have had oral, which is probably against my religion too -- though I haven't checked -- and I used to feel guilty about having done that as well, but don't anymore. The trouble is, he wants to have sex with me (he isn't a virgin) and has asked me on multiple occasions. I, too, want to have sex with him, but I feel like I shouldn't and that the guilt is going to kill me if I do. Every time we hook up, I really, really want to...but then the next morning I'm always glad I didn't. I don't know what to do!

How big of a deal is it? Will my future spouse care if I do? Pio argues that I'll never find a virgin guy, so why should I wait? He has a point...but I can't help but wonder if there are guys in my religion who haven't. Probably. Pio isn't a believer which could create some issues in the long run.

Sex? No sex.

We'll see.

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

-Maya Angelou

I should have done this the first time Boyfriend was unkind to me. Hanging on after that has just been hell.

I am so incredibly tired of Boyfriend going out and getting drunk.
I do not drink, and he knows this...yet he still chooses to go out to his friends' houses on the weekends (who are all girls) and drink alcohol.
This leaves me at home, with nothing to do feeling really miserable. He doesn't take my feelings into account and he doesn't see how this affects me.
Drinking scares me. There's no other way to put it. It scares me and I hate it. When we met he told me he didn't drink...but now he goes out on a pretty frequent basis. It isn't illegal, he is 21, so I have no argument there other than it just makes me feel sick to think about him going out and getting drunk with a bunch of other girls. On occasion he hasn't even come back from the parties, but rather spent the night there.
He says he thinks that my attitude toward drinking is unhealthy, but I think his is.
This is the main thing we fight about.
He doesn't invite me to come, and the few times that he has and I tagged along, I felt so uncomfortable and sad and sick that I went into the bathroom and cried. After situations like these, he gets mad at me and tells me that if I'm not going to come and be happy, then I shouldn't come at all because it just makes him feel bad and doesn't let him have a good time.
So I stay home.
And get on YouTube. And Pinterest. And this blog.
I feel like no one shares my feelings and that instead of trying to see drinking from my perspective, Boyfriend automatically thinks that he is right and that I need to change my opinions. He has said on more than one occasion that he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. That I should try drinking...has he ever thought that he should try NOT drinking?
He's out right now...with 7 other girls...getting drunk. He'll be back tonight around 2am, but "didn't want to promise anything in case [he] comes home later". Am I just supposed to wait up? Or go to bed by myself feeling depressed?
Also, I have asked for oral more than once this weekend and he always says he is too tired. But he expects me to give it to him. He promised me tonight...but guess where he is instead.
He wants me to drink with him, but that's against what I think is right. So I sit. And think about him totally plastered snuggling up to some other girl.